The biggest sex mistakes men and women make
Men: She’s not always ready to go. Ladies: Maybe he’s just feeling
fat.
It’s no secret that many couples have mixed
signals on exactly what their partner wants in the bedroom. To help sort
out these
“misunderstandings,” Ian Kerner, author of several books
including “She Comes First,” and
iVillage sex
expert Tracey Cox addressed the
most common mistakes both women and
men make.
The sex mistakes women most often
make:
1. Women don’t understand why men
don’t like to cuddle.
Ian: After sex, men return to the pre-aroused state, women
return to a semi-aroused state. For guys it’s a total system shutdown. We
just
want to crash, whereas women want to connect, cuddle, converse, even
have more sex. Women shouldn’t assume that a guy is insensitive
if he’s
more inclined to snore than snuggle. He’s probably just shattered. Think
of it as a compliment to the sex you just had.
Tracey: I disagree with
this. I think men do like to cuddle! They’re just worried their partner
might see it as weak and them as vulnerable.
I think a lot of the time a
man suggests sex, what they’re really after is the physical closeness a
cuddle would provide
2. Women don’t understand the extent
to which performance anxieties, self-esteem issues and body-image issues
all affect
male sex drive.
Ian: Absolutely. Guys have many of the same issues as women
when it comes to sex: feeling out of shape, unattractive, not wanting to
be
seen naked during sex. I worked with one guy who always had to rush to
put on his boxers after sex and could never cuddle naked. His
wife didn’t
know what was going on. Turned out he felt very “smallish” after sex.
Also, when guys are stressed out about
work/financial issues, it often leads to a shutdown of desire. In both men
and women, low self-
esteem equals low desire.
Tracey: Men aren’t
robots. They’re humans and worry about the same stuff females do. Also
there’s pressure on men to provide good sex
to women. They expect a lot
from men in bed these days, and often expect men to be mind readers,
rather than tell them what they want.
I’m not surprised men get anxious
and their libido dips.
3. Women think that men are always
ready and willing to have sex any time, any place.
Ian: No way. As relationships progress over time, women can’t
assume that guys are Pavlovian dogs that want to have sex every time you
ring the bell. The mental turn-on becomes more crucial than the physical
turn-on, and sexual desire begins in the brain, not the groin.
Tracey: They do! And they
get all upset if he doesn’t get an instant erection just by looking at
her! It’s true that young men probably are
ready, willing and able at any
point, but once a guy moves into his 20s, the pressure mounts in other
areas of his life, like career, and he’s as
capable of getting distracted
by life’s problems as she is!
4. Women don’t understand how men can
differentiate so easily between love and sex.
Ian: One of the reasons is that during sex, women produce
lots of oxytocin, a hormone that stimulates a strong emotional connection.
As a
result, women are more emotionally integrated when it comes to sex.
That’s why casual sex and hookups often backfire for lots of women.
Guys
produce little to no oxytocin, and can easily have sex without any sense
of emotional connection. It’s sex with no emotional strings
attached.
The sex mistakes men make most often
1. Men assume that women have lower desire than men.
Tracey: Men think they have a stronger sex drive than women
do, but in most cases they’re wrong. The reason why men remain the main
sexual instigators isn’t just to do with desire. Other factors have a big
influence. Women are more likely to do the housework on top of
holding
down a job, so we’re more tired. Hormones also influence our libido, which
means our sex drive is less constant. We’re likely to
feel like lots of
sex at a particular time, rather than all of the time. We also tend to
attach more emotions to sex, so if our partner’s being a
right so-and-so
out of bed, we aren’t going to want to jump in one with him! Finally, there’s evidence that while men are aroused by the
thought of sex, women
are more aroused by sensation. This basically
means we might be a bit lackluster at the start, but heat up nicely once
things get going.
Ian: These are the same guys who think foreplay is
a peck on the lips and a hand down the pants. If guys actually took the
time to
understand and nurture female desire, they’d be surprised at the
strength of its force.
Courtesy of
http://www.msnbc.msn.com
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