Book Reviews: How To Enjoy Daily Sex

Yes,
dear. Tonight again.
By
Ralph Gardner Jr.
June
9, 2008
Let's say you and your
spouse haven't had sex in so long that you can't remember the last time
you did. Not the day. Not the month. Maybe not even the
season. Would you look for
gratification elsewhere? Would you file for divorce? Or
would you turn to your mate and say,
"Honey, you know, I've been thinking. Why
don't we do it for the next 365 days in a row?"
That's
more or less what happened to Charla and Brad Muller. And in
another example of an
erotic adventure supplanting married ennui, a second couple,
Annie and Douglas Brown,
embarked on a similar, if abbreviated journey: 101
straight days of post-nuptial sex.
Both
couples document their exploits in books published this
month, the latest entries in what is
almost a mini-genre of books offering advice about the
"sex- starved marriage." The couples,
though, are hardly similar. The
Mullers
are Bible- studying steak-eating Republicans from
Charlotte, North Carolina
The
Browns are backpacking multigrain northerners
who moved to
Boulder, Colorado The
Mullers' book, "365 Nights," is rather modest
and circumspect in its details. The Browns'
book, "Just
Do It," almost makes the reader feel part of a threesome, sharing everything they
used to stimulate sexual desire (it's
hard to visualize and even harder to explain).
To many
spouses, "married sex" may sound like an oxymoron. And
"married- with-children
sex" may sound
like that elusive antimatter. Indeed, reigniting a couple's desire for each other
has fueled an entire therapeutic industry
from Kinsey to Dr. Ruth to
Redbook. According to a
2004 study, "American Sexual Behavior," by the
National Opinion Research Center at the
University of Chicago, married couples have intercourse about 66 times a year. But that
number is skewed by young marrieds, as young as 18, who couple, on average, 84 times
a
year.
Either
way, those statistics put the Mullers and Browns in
Olympic-record territory. That they
thought a sex marathon would reinvigorate their
marriages might say as much about the
American penchant for exercise and
goal-setting as it does about the state of romance.
But the
couples may also be on to something. "There's a strong
relationship between rating
your marriage as happy and frequency of intercourse," said
Tom Smith, who conducted the
"American Sexual Behavior" study. "What we can't
tell you is what the causal relationship is
between the two. We don't know
whether people who are happy in their marriage have sex
more, or whether people
who have sex more become happy in their marriages, or a
combination of those
two."
Do
these couples provide any answers? Did sex every single
night make them happier in their
marriages and in life?
Charla
apparently had no intention of writing about "the gift," as
she euphemistically refers to
it.
She was simply a homemaker and marketing consultant, who in 2006 wanted to give her
husband a special 40th birthday present.
"This
is something no one else would give him," she said in an
interview. "It didn't cost a lot of
money. It was highly memorable. It met all the criteria for
a really great gift."
Brad
was less than fully enthusiastic, mostly because, he says,
his wife often has big ideas and
poor follow-through. After all, she hadn't been especially
generous in that department since
they'd had their two children. He paid closer attention when he realized that she was serious.
The
book idea came up serendipitously. Charla had lunch with a
friend, Betsy Thorpe, a
former book editor and her eventual collaborator, who had
relocated to Charlotte. She saw
the stuff of literature in the couple's nightly trysts
(the women met three-quarters of the way
through the Mullers' annus mirabilis).
While
"365 Nights" was written from the women's perspective, "Just
Do It" was written by the
guy, Douglas Brown, a 42-year-old reporter at
The
Denver Post. Yet the change in gender
doesn't seem to affect the point of view, perhaps because Doug comes across as
a sensitive
male, and because the sexual marathon in 2006 was his wife's idea, a way to banish suburban
boredom after they
moved to Boulder two years earlier from the East Coast.
"I
thought we don't have anything else going on," Annie said in
an interview. "It might kick-start
our marriage."
They
changed venues frequently a cabin on an ashram, a yurt in
the
Colorado Rockies, and in
a hotel room in
Las Vegas, where
Doug was covering the annual adult-entertainment industry
convention. "That's why we scheduled all
these little trips," Annie said. "We knew it had the
potential of getting monotonous."
And
were it not for her competitive zeal, their streak might
have died well short of 100 days.
Annie even forced her husband to have sex during a bout of
vertigo. "I'm not a quitter,' she
said. "The night he had vertigo, I said, 'I'm
sorry, guy, but you've got to keep going.' "
Doug
said in an interview that on their 101st day, he felt "sort
of like you had some long-
forgotten appointment to hear some tax attorney talk about estate
planning."
After
that, he said, "I think we didn't do it for a month."
The
Mullers, or at least Charla, hit a wall somewhere around the
10th month. In her book, she
describes the gift then as "my stupid idea" and "a hidden
cross to bear." But they say they
dropped out only a few days a month, mostly
because of Brad's business travel. They
averaged 26 to 28 times a month.
"The
spirit of the gift was not to keep score," Muller said.
"When he was traveling, we tried to
make up for it, but it wasn't mandatory."
The
women are regarded with admiration, if not always envy, by
their girlfriends. "My first
reaction was please don't tell my husband," said Sydney Coffin,
a friend of Charla's.
Annie
Brown is now viewed as a de facto sex therapist by her
peers. Her adventure even
inspired her friend Diane Elliston to turn off the
television in the bedroom. (The Browns had
draped tasteful fabric over theirs.)
"We did
it every day for three days in a row," Elliston said.
APPROACHING
sex as a marathon, with its own version of Heartbreak Hill, may not be the
solution for
every stagnating marriage. Lois Braverman, the president of the Ackerman Institute
for the Family, cautioned against
couples trying to keep up with the
Mullers and Browns.
"Some couples are totally satisfied with being sexual one night a week, some twice, some twice
a month," she
said. "There's no number of times that's right."
Shoshana
Bulow, a psychotherapist and certified sex therapist in
Manhattan, pointed out that
sex is a lot more complicated than frequency. "There's
all sorts of reasons people lose interest
in sex with their partner disappointments,
life cycles, financial issues," she said. "Just having it
isn't going to resolve
those."
Nonetheless,
sex every day seems to have worked for the Mullers and
Browns. Charla Muller
and Annie Brown both talk about how mandated
physical
intimacy created more
emotional
intimacy. "It required a daily kindness and
forgiveness, and not being cranky or
snarky, that I
don't think either of us had experienced before," Charla said.
Annie
said that she and her husband reached a place in their
relationship that they have seldom
approached since. "It was just this intense closeness," she
said. "We were so aware of
wherever the other person was mentally and emotionally
and physically."
Today,
the Browns report they have sex approximately six times a
month, or double their
frequency before their adventure. The Mullers decline to
discuss their habits, except to say that
they fall well within the national average.
And, Brad said, the sex is better. "It made it much
easier to be open to the idea, more spontaneous," he said, "So you don't go back to that
always gaming for it
and always trying to get out of it."
Charla
agrees: "It's a lot better than it used to be. I may be slow
to the take, but it was a really
meaningful lesson."
Douglas
Brown suffers less stage fright than he once did. "There's
much less of a sense of
having to perform," he said. "After 100 days, that kind of melted
away."
All the
same, he doesn't recommend the experience to everyone.
"I'm glad we did it," he
said. "But as far as a practical message, nobody needs to do it 100
days. You don't have to climb Mount Everest to understand alpine sublime."
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